John Daly Putter
Golf’ New Rules for 2010
Rip off Bill Maher’s “New Rules” feature from his HBO show. Behold, golf’s new rules for 2010.
New Rule Stop telling the press to leave Tiger Woods alone. He’s fair game. A public figure by choice. What two people do in the privacy of a church parking lot is everyone’s business.
New Rule Tiger must rebrand himself in new, creative ways to make up for lost endorsements. Looks like he’s on the right track.
New Rule No more jokes about Tim Herron’s weight. He’s a professional athlete and shouldn’t be mocked for sporting a few extra pounds. I mean, so what if his cereal bowl has its own lifeguard.
New Rule John Daly must stop dressing like he drove to the course in a courtesy clown car.
New Rule Armchair shrinks who say Woods wanted to get caught should stick a golf sock in it. Really? He wanted to devastate his wife, lose a fortune, and float his dentist a few extra bucks? No husband wants to get caught. Enough psycho-babble. The Kentucky Derby called—they want their horse s— back.
New Rule Brit Hume must lay off the assholier-than-thou act. The Fox News Bible thumper suggested Tiger convert from Buddhism to Christianity to fix his cheatin’ heart, a shockingly dumb comment. Brit, did you learn nothing from Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder? “Never go full retard.”
New Rule Golf shall not be used as shorthand for corruption, as in James Cameron’s film Avatar, which shows the bad guy practicing by his Putters. Golf is not evil. Subjecting moviegoers to James Cameron’s wooden dialogue? That’s evil.
New Rule No more stories about Phil Mickelson’s slim, trim physique. Every year we hear how Lefty has transformed his body, yet—and I say this as a card-carrying Phil Phanatic—he still looks like the “before” photo. Phil’s something of a jokester. If he says he’s up to 75 crunches a day, he probably means Nestle’s.
New Rule Vijay Singh has to smile at least once this year. Come on, Veej, show us your pearly whites. Look like a guy who’s paid millions to hit a golf ball, not a guy who got hold of some bad clams.
New Rule, from special guest: comedian/golf lover Lewis Black Tour pros may no longer credit the Almighty for a victory. “I hate that,” Black, a Daily Show regular, told me. “I remember watching the Masters the year Zach Johnson won. I was rooting for him. He was a great story, this underdog. Then he opens his mouth, and it’s God this and that. I said, ‘Noooooo! Not another one!’ Sorry, Zach, but God wasn’t with you on the back nine—he was busy helping hurricane victims, where he was needed. You know, God stuff!”
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